On marriage and selfishness....

I knew I was selfish but I never knew the extent of it until I got married.

I was used to living my life-and frankly I thought I was pretty good at it.

Every morning I set my alarm for 6:42-leaving room for 2 9 minute snoozes.

I ate a bowl of cereal-usually granola.

I drank 1 cup of coffee while reading my bible and 1 cup of coffee while praying.

I headed to the gym where I ran, showered, and then headed to work.

When I came home I made dinner, read, watched TV. I did what I wanted to do.

The things I wanted to do were admirable. I spent time with teenagers: loving them, listening to them, talking them through trials. I read good books. Sometimes I spent crazy amounts of time reading the Bible and learning. I worked out and ate expensive and healthy foods. I was wise with my money, putting all of my tax refund money or extra money to debt I had accrued during grad school on repairs to a clunker of an Oldsmobile called Oswalt. If I was running short on cash and friends wanted to eat out, I'd order soup and water.

I thought I had it all together....

When I met Matt, the layers of my selfishness began to dissolve, not rapidly-slowly. My days were no longer my own. My time was negotiated. But my time at home and my money-that was still all mine.

When we got married, my selfishness was exposed like nakedness.

In the mornings, Matt didn't snooze the alarm twice or five times. Matt didn't wake up 2 hours early or drink 2 cups of coffee. He didn't even like the coffee as weak as I did (this in retrospect I imagine that many gracious roommates also did not like it as weak-I've since amended my coffee making skills). If I needed to get ready before him, I needed to be quiet. Suddenly, shared expenses with roommates was a thing of the past-my money wasn't just mine anymore-it was ours. When we went out, Matt didn't want water with his meal or soup. :) Where to eat for dinner was a choice to make together. What to watch, what to do, where to live, what dogs to adopt, when to have kids, what to name our kids-decisions made together.

No one can prepare you accurately for the ways life will change after you say I do. And a lot of it is really hard because we're so used to living life for ourselves. To make matters worse, we live in a society that tells us that we SHOULD live for ourselves. So we get married and figure out that we have to give a little bit to make marriage work at all. And we find out to make marriage enjoyable, we have to give a lot.

Once my hair dresser scoffed when I wanted to keep my fine hair relatively long because Matt liked it that way, "Newlyweds."

The thing is this-the more I give the more satisfied I am. Giving is always like that-giving money, giving gifts, giving service. While the world is telling us to keep keep keep, we wonder why there are so many sad, depressed, lonely people with a lot of stuff, talents, and time.

So no, I've not lost myself, I'm gaining (slowly) a better self. A happier self. A more selfless self.